Living Well Within

Our new addition!

2009-07-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I posted and I just wanted to share that Ian and I had our baby on June 9th, 2009. We named her Trinity Patience and she is just gorgeous! We were priviledged to have her dedicated last week at our church in Spokane, Life Center, and trust that she will come to know Christ at a young age and choose to follow Him! Her older brother, Elliot, and sister, Natalie, have been absolutely thrilled (well...not about crying). But they beg to hold her and I have been quite amused at the insight my sweet 8 1/2 yr old son has had as he told Natalie the other day when Trinity started to cry, "Natalie, she is trying to tell mommy something and because she is a baby, she can't talk, so that's the only way she knows how to communicate!" Haha! So sweet! (and true) It is amazing how fast these dear children grow up!

I am excited to be starting out the week with all three kids this week! We have been blessed to have them a few more hours now that they are not in school and their father is working...and I have been home because of the baby (maternity leave).

We are currently trusting the Lord to either provide a different job or position for my husband, Ian, so that he can work a little more or make a little more so that I would be able to stay home more with the baby! As of now, I am set to return to work in just over two weeks and because my Ian's boss changed his schedule, we will not be able to alternate watching Trinity as planned. So...we are searching out our options for childcare, a new job (part time) for me, or a new schedule...something. We can not currently continue to get all our bills paid each month on my husband's current income alone, but God has provided thus far and we have been able to come out even with the prayer and support of friends and our church.

Well, I must get back to the duty of being mother and go play a game of memory before going to grandpa & grandma's house for a bbq! Yeah! Thanks again as always for checking up on me and we appreciate your continued prayer in our lives! :)

Please pray...

2009-01-31T22:01:00.001-08:00

Hello dear ones,

I am writing this at a vulnerable moment, and my heart's prayer is that you know me as a sister in Christ and that you pray for me and my heart in this. I only bring this request as a hurting mother who is her wits' end. I thank the Lord in this because in times like this...I know I can do nothing except be on my knees and pray. God forever humbles me and allows me to cry out to Him. No, it doesn't help that I am emotional these days, but I try not to focus on my feelings with my children as I love them so much and see so little of them. I wish I could see them so much more...is every day too much to ask? Maybe, but anyway, that is not my request. ;)

God has been working some pretty deep things in my life...things that hurt and that heal and that are altogether wonderful and sorrowful at the same time.

Right now, my children are hurting and I see it in the way they want to physically be close and just hold on to me or my husband. They are saying things they should not be saying, acting out like never before....

Please, friends, brothers and sisters in Christ: pray that these hurting children can see through all this ugliness and mess in this life and see Him alone. Pray that they will know and believe the truth! I know this life isn't easy and every one of us who has children only want the best for them and not to see them suffer and hurt. So pray that they find comfort beyond understanding-that God brings them a peace that no parent could even provide. I know God is the ultimate father and they truly need to feel His arms surrounding them!

Pray that I will be a godly mother from this point on and that I will stop striving and let God just flow through me as He wills! Let me be an example...but I pray to the Lord that my kids and every child I meet may know the truth and will understand this and that they should not go down the path that I did...it isn't worth it...ever.

My heart breaks even to write this-I have so many mixed feelings, but most of all, I have compassion for these children that God allowed me to bear into this world...this is not their fault and no child deserves to go through this. If there was any way they could be saved from the turmoil they have gone through and will go through, I pray that it is done!

Please pray with me now and keep praying for all of us! Thank you and God Bless You!!!

2009-01-29T11:22:00.000-08:00

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet,

though trials should come,

Let this blessed assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross,

and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL

- Words by Horatio G. Spafford, 1873

- Music by Philip P. Bliss, 1876

The words to this hymn was written after two major traumas in Spafford's life. The first was the Great Chicago Fire of October 1871, which ruined him financially. Shortly after, while crossing the Atlantic, all four of Spafford's daughters died in a collision with another ship. Spafford's wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram: "SAVED ALONE." Several weeks later, as Spafford's own ship passed near the spot where his daughters died, he was inspired to write these words.

Bliss originally named the tune "Ville de Havre" after the ship on which Spafford's four girls perished, the SS Ville de Havre.
It is documented that in 1881 he and his wife moved to Jerusalem and founded an outreach mission to serve the poor kown as the "American Colony." He died October 16, 1888 in Jerusalem, Israel, of Malaria.

Holidays again

2008-11-16T16:47:00.000-08:00

This past week, when I had a surge of energy and wrapped presents to send to my family in Italy, I dug out my Christmas cds and amongst them was a cd that I had purchased at Starbucks two years ago. The first song on the cd is "River" by Sarah McLachlan (on my profile music) and it hit me hard. I remember two years ago as I was so lost and depressed. It was the worst time in my life...I was just divorced, hadn't seen my children in a long time, had no family to go to for support, was pregnant with an abusive man's child and my life felt so hopeless. I used to sit by my little Christmas tree, looking at a picture of my two beautiful children, listening to this song, crying and crying for several months. A lot has changed, and yet I live with the same consequences that still make me emotional-the pain of feeling torn away from my children. God has helped me through all the pain of the choices I have made. God promises in His Word that He will make things better than before if we just trust in Him. Sometimes I still feel hopeless, but now I know that God is capable of all miracles and despite the sadness I feel, He will work amazing things in my life and the lives of my children.
This songs lyrics that really got to me are as follows:

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
singing songs of joy and peace

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I made my baby cry

But I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
that I've ever had

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Oh I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly high
Oh I wish I had a river
That I could skate away on

I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
singing songs of joy and peace

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

This song was something I related. You see, people thought I was just living a life that I wanted to and yet, I really didn't want to. Yes, I had been selfish, and unfortunately, after I had sinned, I felt that I deserved every bad thing I went through. What I went through was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I felt so sorrowful that I had betrayed the ones in my life that I had loved the most and was with someone who I couldn't stand, but couldn't leave. I was inside that apartment for months without anyone. I had Christmas presents under the tree for my kids, left unopened because I couldn't see them. I hated myself and I couldn't forgive myself for all that I had done. I would sit on my couch alone with sad Christmas songs playing, fire lit and Christmas lights twinkling, and just think and think. It was actually around that time that I began to read my Bible and pray for change. God started a slow and painful process in me, that it is easy for others to say how horrible I was. But the truth is, what I went through could happen to anyone. The largest impact on me was having my kids taken away from me. Even though as a stay at home mom, I wasn't interactive with my kids 100% of the time, I did everything with and for them. Even my hobbies...things I did to make extra money had been to buy them clothing and food that otherwise we didn't have. Their dad never understood that and turned every creative venture I had into a joke. He mocked me and manipulated every aspect of my life as a mother to make me seem like the world's worst mom. He may still try to say he was a father 100% of the time, when I quit being a mother. But being a mother is something one doesn't quit being. As a man, he may never understand the bond a mother and child have. A bond that con not be broken. Just think-the Bible doesn't refer to Jesus' father as Joseph, but multiple times it refers to Mary as Jesus' mother. I can only imagine how much more paind Mary, the mother of Jesus, felt when He was crucified and can't imagine how she couldn't feel anger towards all of those who put Him on that cross. She knew Jesus had a purpose on this earth, even though she didn't understand. It was how she was able to be so humble and accept the task of being Jesus' mother even though I am sure she took a lot of slack for it in so many ways. It was definitely not in her original plans, but she accepted it because it was the Lord's plan for her.
This year, as I am able to see my children a little, I pray that God will keep me humble and that I will accept His will for my life. Not my life...but His...not my will, but His. My plans never work out, so this time, I have to trust God that He knows what is best and knows what He is doing. I want my life to honor Him and want to be a testimony to my children of God's grace and His life...and to all those around me. I live to show God's love and pray daily that He will show me true humility and love towards others. I have been blessed with so much more than I ever deserve. I pray God blesses your holiday season as well!

Awesome praise

2008-10-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to give you all a little update! I have a HUGE praise! Two weeks ago, I half-heartedly walked into a building applying for a job...I was scheduled immediately upon finishing a test of my typing skills, for an interview the next day. (I have been looking for a job...and something I can turn into a career that would be a good fit for me, my personality, our finances, and my experience level.) Well, the next day, I had two interviews and filled out all the paperwork-yes-I was HIRED! They are a great company and I will be one of the customer care agents on a new program-SuperValu (not new...but new for this company). It involves many grocery stores and pharmacies, including Albertsons. Tomorrow, I graduate from the two week training (yes...I had had to start right after I was hired). I am so grateful that God closed doors and allowed me to get discouraged as this was the last place I was going to go to-our last resort in all my weeks of job-hunting in customer service/office type positions. God knew! It was awesome and I have never been more thrilled and excited about this job! I LOVE it and wholeheartedly agree with the work I will be doing! What's more, somehow we ended up with a corporate trainer who got us ahead on our training and we have now trained two levels above what we are starting at...which means that our class will be the first in this new program to get promoted. I love the idea because with my experience, going up a level or two, means I get to speak with the more "angry" (escalated) customers and help them solve their issues. That would be great-I was trained for this! Also, I get to use all my web skills and computer skills as we are dealing with multiple computer programs at once (thus the intense training), including complex e-commerce systems. I do believe this is where God wants me...and yes, they gave me the hours I wanted so I can spend maximum amount of time with my kids and doing activities with them at school! :) Thank you to all of you who prayed for me!

Undeserving

2008-06-05T21:28:00.000-07:00

This is truly an amazing life, however broken I have been! I have been given a second chance-people and relationships, family and friends, church and ministry-where I deserved nothing...even less than nothing. On May 25th, I stood singing praises, worshipping my almighty God, next to a man who is caring, and passionate about what he believes, who loves God, who loves me, and who loves everything that I do-who accepts every aspect of my life but challenges me to be better and grow strong and closer to the Lord! I broke down. I was overwhelmed with the Spirit filling my heart with so many emotions! There was joy for this life that I do not deserve! There was happiness, which I know I do not deserve, but in Christ...He allows us the desires of our heart when we walk with Him. I never thought I would ever be standing in Church, singing and praying with a man who I called a "husband", whom God had blessed me with. It is what I have dreamed of from the time I was a child and stood beside my own mother and father. As an adult, I have never had a male figure close enough to lead me spiritually. I am a very difficult individual and quite frankly, any man that is godly would also have to have a lot of patience to deal with me. I don't know how God found the one person who can deal with me...help me see my faults and yet still love me in spite of them, and help me want to grow and be a better person. Someone who isn't afraid of failing, because he knows we are all human and not perfect, but who will try his hardest...who cares deeply for me and my own relationship with the Lord...who thinks of my children and goes out of his way to serve and be mindful of them and point them to Christ...who isn't self-centered and materialistic...who can and wants to be part of every part of my life (yes, he even sews if you must know). I don't deserve this! I never did before...and I especially didn't when God laid it on his heart to befriend me and allow us to open up to each other. Yes, we had both been through some sad circumstances and he allowed me to talk about anything and everything in my past, because he knew I needed to work through everything I had been through. He watched me and was with me when I went before God and when I would cry out to Him because I felt so down. He watched God lift me up and give me a new hope. He encouraged me and when I dragged my feet, he encouraged me and didn't give me the option of going to Church or not because he knew I needed that fellowship. Maybe he didn't need the fellowship as much, but he did it because he knew I needed it! What set him apart from other friends and family, is that he was there...just like God always heard me talking to Him. And Ian watched me interupt what I would be doing at any given moment and find a place where I could be alone so that I could openly (yes, out loud) talk with God. I still do it...God is the first one I talk to and the last one I talk to every day. I know better than to put my new husband on a pedestal. I know he is going to have roadblocks in his path from time to time and that he may stumble, but I will always be there to hold his hand and walk with him as we push forward.

I used to think that God created me to be just another random person on earth who could possibly give Him praise...I saw so many people around me at that time and felt that I was nothing-a speck...and what would I matter? One person? But I know now, over a year later after God pulled me out of the miry clay, He has always known today would come and that I would love Him more deeply than I could have thought possible and known how amazing His love for me...yes...ME! is! Which may not make sense to any of you either, but all I know is that He cares and is MY Father! He is everything and I trust only Christ 200%! Humans can not live up to our hopes and expectations, but we know that if someones' heart is right before God, that person is right where they should be! I trust God, and I trust Ian because I know he loves and relies on God. He is quiet and the light shines through him, even though he isn't a young Billy Graham. His heart loves the Lord and he seeks Him and lives a godly example, especially towards me. He epitomized God's love and grace towards me-an unworthy child...a woman picked out of the mud and mire...filthy and sorrowful, and saw beauty and worth. And he, just like my God, was there for me as I flailed and fell, and trembling, got back up and gained strength. He saw my independence (or rather-total dependance on God) and only ever encouraged me and lifted me up, pointing me always towards God. I have so much love and respect.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - excerpts from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

2008-03-29T13:44:00.000-07:00

Good March 30th morning to you all! I am having a wonderful day, although snow on the ground makes it a little weird since it is supposed to be spring! I am formally announcing my engagement on my blogspot today to Ian Andrew Hite! He asked me if I would marry him some while ago and in the past several weeks, along with his family, have set our plans in motion. We are getting married in Henderson, Nevada, where much of his family lives, May 2nd, 2008. We will be having an outdoor gazebo wedding at 3 pm. Lovley thing...the weather there is much MUCH warmer than it is currently here! :o) We will be planning a reception in Spokane, WA, later on in the month or as soon as we have time to plan for it. Everything except invitations has been checked off the "to-do" list, and we are excited to start our new life together! We have been getting some counseling from a respected couple from my church, and I am excited that our announcement was met with much approval and agreement that we seem to be well-suited for each other and have a healthy relationship. Our goal is to keep Christ at the center of our relationship always, and we are each other's closest friends! My children absolutely LOVE Ian and this is also especially important! Ian and I have done things honorably in our relationship and we believe God has already blessed us immensly! Please continue to pray for us as we begin our lifelong journey of commitment to each other!

love and life (my thoughts right now)

2008-02-22T17:00:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about life lately. Big surprise, right? I have some of the biggest "mess-ups" out of most people I can think of. The weird thing is that I have the chance to do some of the same things over...not the bad...the good. I am not re-thinking the path I am on right now, and I am definitely not double-minded like I was for most of my life. I live in Christ and thank Him for the love and peace He graciously gives me despite the consequences of the decisions previously made. Right now I am writing because when I decide something...I follow it whole-heartedly. I am a little scared of this...only because when I realize something...a turning point in my life...I know it is always monumental and affects not just me, but everyone involved in my life. Okay, to simplify, I am afraid of getting hurt, and mostly, out of my own doing. So far, as I have been in a relationship and without a doubt, I know that I love this person, I am afraid because in times past, I have been impatient and do things one way or the other in a sort of drastic manner. So, I figure, according to my past, I could either up and get married, or I could sever the relationship all together. Wow..it wrenches me to say I could sever it because I am so close to this person that I can not imagine mot having him in my life in the future. I do struggle with making sure that I depend solely on God for my emotional strength. I struggle because it is pretty easy to depend on a guy when my car breaks down and I need a ride and a know-how on how to get my car fixed (even just to change a tire). There were things I loved about being married before that I miss...greatly! I am social, for one (not that in previous relationships, the guy let me talk much-LOL). But Ian is the sweetest...he tells me he would think something was wrong with me if I wasn't constantly talking to him. I love catching up on our days...even though he himself is fairly quiet. I love that he allows me to vent, but have him look me in the eye and remind me to calm down a little. I love that when I am edgy and start to take my mood out on him, he makes kissy faces and won't leave me alone so that I can't help but laugh and sure enough, my mood changes. He is the most patient person in the world...I am convinced, and I am the opposite. I hate waiting. I like to decide and go for the gusto. He has always reminded me with our relationship that I need to be patient and just let things happen a little at a time. I know we have both been hurt in the same way in past relationships, so we each would have every reason to hesitate. But he trusts me totally and completely and he has never given me any reason to doubt him or mistrust him. In case you didn't figure it out, I have trust issues. :o) I trust God completely...and Him alone. I trust God in Ian and therefore, I can trust Ian. I know God is behind me, in front of me, and all around me. I think some of my freaking out is that because I see some things in Ian that are like my ex-husband...things such as video games. Video games were a huge issue for me...I hated them from the time we had got married and felt that I was losing precious time with the person I most wanted to be with when all he seemed to be able to focus on was those darn video games. So...it got a little better for a few years, and then it didn't matter any more because we each had our own lives: I spent my time with the kids, crafting or sewing, and he spent his time at home online or playing video games (or he and my sone would wrestle). We rarely had dates and I rarely heard positive affirmations. Okay, Ian is pretty good for a guy at the positive reinforcement thing. We aren't married, so of course, the dynamics are different, but I absolutely love that he calls me sweetheart or honey or dear. I grew up hearing my father call my mom things like that and have secretly always longed to be called those things. My greatest love languages include words of affirmation and quality time...and physical touch, which is somewhat limited as I said for obvious reasons. I think I need to erase everything from my past relationships so that I wouldn't compare or question anything. Counseling helped out me out a lot and I was finishing it when Ian was in the picture as just a friend, then a close friend...and I had talked about him a lot at that point. My counselor had pointed out that my relationship with him was probably the healthiest relationship I had at that point and that no red flags were raised on the issue of any DV issues (physically or emotionally). I did talk with multiple elders and several pastors and even a few trusted freinds/mentors on the issues of divorce/remarriage. I had several take me to specific passages where in the Bible it talks about divorce and how it puts a clause at the beginning that "except for audultry" divorce is wrong...that remarriage causes adultry...etc. This to say that the general concencus was that both he and I are free to remarry, unless either of us is personally convicted otherwise (in which case, one should never go against their own personal conviction or for them it would be indeed wrong). I had always wondered on these things as you see a lot of divorce/remarriage in churches and wondered why tht was accepted. I mean, yeah, if it has been something that would have worked out for my first husband I to work out our differences, put the past behind us, and reconcile, and been able to take each other back, it would have been God's will. Having talked with an elder that I work with at the community center I help at about all of this, and how God has worked in my life and blessed me in so many ways, and how I have grown since having been in the relationship that I am in, He had felt that it was God's will for me to be with Ian. I had come to him to ask him very non-objectively about what I should do. And, yes, I did tell Ian about this...I tell him everything. So, all this to say that I am certain that I love Ian and if we are to get married, I am ready to commit and and every cost, throughout any trial, we can work it out and remain faithful to each other. I know he loves me, and is learning a lot in the process. He has never been with someone who has the kind of past I do (both theologically and maritally). Wow, he is the only person out of relatives or anyone who has been comfortable enough to let me be me and talk about the things I have gone through without holding back. I can't tell half of anyone I know what I went through...they are traumatized enough. When I was first with Ian and would start to say something, and then say, oh, I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear about all that, he would just look me in the eye and say, "Dear, I want to hear eveything you have to say. And you need to be able to talk about it to work through it. And we can work through it together, okay?" Oh my goodness, and you wonder why I have fallen in love? This perosn is how I picture Christ. Yes, he is ever learning and growing, just like me. But he displays Christ-likeness in how he is with his relationships with people around him. I have never seen or heard him lose it...yes he may get frustrated, but he is so so sweet. He genuinely cares about others...not just himself. Okay, I had better stop gushing...my daughter is waiting on me so she can use the computer (sheesh...she is only 5!). So, all this to ask that if you think of it, just pray for me as I have a tendency to not rely on God and His timing and want to be hasty and I really don't want to mess this up. And most of all, I want God in this! :o)

the BUBBLE

2007-12-27T23:11:00.000-08:00

Ha, ha...funny title, isn't it? Well, actually, it is a very real thing to me. It is something that exemplifies God's faithfulness to His children. The other night something happened that reminded me yet again of this very thing. I was driving home on Saturday night, after spending the afternoon at my folks' house and I had my children in the car with me. It had been snowing for several hours and was incredibly slick out. Well, I was driving along and a car came from a side street, unable to slow down, and swerved into my lane. In a split second I decided to hit my brakes even though I knew it could be worse because of the ice, and so I started to slide sideways and then into oncoming traffic. It was fairly frightful, but during this, it was like it was in slow motion. All of the cars around were sliding, trying to avoid this vehicle or the ones who were trying to avoid it. He slid into my lane and had I not hit the brake, I would have hit him, but as I swerved, the two cars swerved simultaneously, inches apart, in perfect harmony. I regained control and went back in my lane before oncoming traffic had any issues, and no one, amongst the at least ten or so cars that were grouped together, even touched another vehicle. Cooincidental??? No, I don't think so. I swear there were angels guiding my car...the hand of God...my bubble. I seem to have this safety net, that if I fall, get pushed off, jump off, slip off, or am still walking along my tight-rope of life, is always there. God always is there...looking out for me. I couldn't afford an accident...not even just paying a deductible to have the car fixed. Oh, and just an added little blessing...God always, always provides. If I am sick and miss work and am not going to be able to pay rent, He always provides an extra tip at work or I get called in to do an extra shift. This Christmas, I was able to buy the kids some fairly decent things and He provided for me to have a fun-filled birthday party for my son the week before Christmas. Well, the day before my son's birthday, I got a call from my old counselor's office. They wanted me to come buy and pick up a few gifts from someone who donated them, thinking I could use some help. So, I went in, thinking I would have one or two presents for my kids...but to my surprise, there were three HUGE black trash bags full of wrapped presents for the kids and I. There were fun things and practical things such as shoes and clothing, as we unwrapped them. Wow...God sure blesses me continually greater than I could have ever imagined. No, life isn't always a picnic when you do what God wants, but He does look out for us and love us and blesses us when we do His will. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me in so many ways this Christmas. Thank YOU, God for life, for my children and the time I had with them. Amen! ;o)

Opportunity

2007-12-27T23:09:00.001-08:00

Did you ever get the chance to do something and decided not to? You don't know today what would have happened if you had done whatever that was. Maybe it would have been a good thing, or possibly, it could have been detrimental. Every choice we make has an effect in our lives, whether it is just a memorie or whether it is life changing or permanent. If you have kept up with my life, you know I have made irreversible choices in my life, but I make choices every day and based on knowing that I live by faith through God's grace on a daily basis, I do my best to make the right ones. If I hit a dead end, I know that wasn't what God wanted for me. Because I live for Christ and walk closely with Him, I know He will lead me. Yeah, I mess up, by allowing my own desires now and then get the best of me...ok, you caught me...I make mistakes, and have done my fair share. One thing, though...I watch for opportunity...a door that God opens. This is different from a temptation...it isn't something that is only benefitting me. It isn't something that would lead you away from the Lord or detract from your relationship with Him. It can be life-changing, and maybe it is only something temporary, but God put it there (or allowed it) to either teach you something, or others around you something. Here is an example: I "have to" do community service. Well, I had the opportunity to do it at a shelter that feeds homeless or less-than-priviledged individuals 5 nights a week. It is a ministry where before dinner, the people who come for dinner hear a message from someone who has been where they have been. It is awesome! Not only has this ministry blessed me, I have the potential to share with others. Even though I was committed to do community service out of something negative, it turned to positive...God has a way of doing that. He uses everything and if we keep our own heart open, we just might learn from opportunity.

The Center of the Storm

2007-12-25T00:39:00.000-08:00

Streaks along the window,
blurred by emotions overflowing,
as life cruises by while I wait.
Once tossed by the wind,
struck by the awesome touch of your love
I long to be in the center of your storm.
I feel your presence, I know your peace,
Your face shines brightly on me,
and smiling you hold my hand and kiss me.
Though I may walk through the valley of the shaddow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Light shines through the fog where there was once darkness
For You call me nearer every second
And I know You, I know your calm.
Cleansing rain scourges away the blame,
And I feel you in me and radiating through me.
Your mighty wind carries me closer to home.
So when lights blur against the streaks,
I will smile and remember you who loves more,
and I'll press on through my tempest fierce.
The storm is your strength, Lord.
Standing in the center of the storm I can see your greatness surround me.
And I am at rest in your beauty and wonder.

Showing God’s Love Through Our Words

2007-12-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

I am writing on this subject today because I have been turning over a few things in my mind lately that I know I need to let go and give to God. Things that have been said to me based on my past and where I have been, but things I can let go because God already removed them.

Psa 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

I am writing this because I can show proof of the kind of damage words can do to relationships-bonds even between family members. Yes, we can say sorry, but it is up to the one who has taken up the offense to follow the example of our Father, which I realize is very difficult for us to do.

I grew up hearing the saying, “If you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at all.” I have been a little more considerate of this is the past 6 months. I have held my tongue when people tell me who I am, what I have to do, and who I need to be, instead of leaving it in God’s hands.

Words can hurt and for me, I have an excellent memory when it comes to negative words used towards me or things said that condemn me, even when I have been forgiven by the only one worthy of judging me. I am human, therefore, I still remember things I was told or things I accidentally heard said about me from over a decade ago. Words affect how we live and I believe what people say to us or about us, shapes who we think we are.

In counseling, my hardest “task” was to cut out pictures and words of what people perceived me as or who they expected me to be and to paste these on the outside of a paper bag. On the inside, I had to put in words or pictures of who I really was. It was so difficult for me because I have always tried to be who or what someone else wanted me to be…or thought I was. It took me weeks to complete this and I think I finally finished back in the end of May. Well, the very last appointment I had with this counselor, she pulled it out and had me read and talk about the outside and then open up the inside. I can’t tell you how wonderful it has been to know my Lord and Savior and know that I am His child and that He created me beautiful and unique. Wow-God has spent a lot of effort on me through all the dumb mistakes I have made.

One of the most cutting things I have had to turn over to God and talk with Him about was a comment made to me, not something I had not already thought of: I ruined my family. Yes, this is what I was told…that I “had already ruined” my family. Odd, I don’t remember God reminding Adam and Eve over and over again that they had ruined the world as it was intended for eternity. Yes, that could lead to so many more thoughts, but I am going to try and stay on track here. I agreed and again and again will continue to apologize because I feel that some people think that I was not truly sorry. However I am and kind of always have been the kind of person who lets things go and moves on, apparently detrimentally so. I repented and I turned my life around and turned it over to the Lord. Actually, from this point on, it is no longer my concern because I have done all that I can do. I can not do more because in other’s eyes, I don’t know as I will ever match up and attain the trust and repair damage that was done. I can go to a thousand counselors and talk with pastors and always I am told the same thing-I am not responsible for how another reacts if I am truly repentant and have given things over to God in that respect.

Ah, trust is another great one. Actually, telling someone who has been through wht I have and who is walking with the Lord isn’t going to be hurt when you tell me you don’t trust me. “Good,” I say! Because I am human and I make mistakes…sometimes I have bad judgment and I am not going to ever be perfect until I reach my ultimate goal which is to be with my heavenly Father in His glory someday. I can not be trusted and neither can you! Sorry if that hurts, but I have had expectations even of pastors and elders, and guess what? Yes, they even fail sometimes! Hey, do you ever answer your spouse that nothing is wrong when they ask when really something is? Ah ha! You lied, did you know that? You aren’t perfect either! No, no, I am not condemning you! John 8:7b says, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone....” We have already established that I am certainly not without sin. No, I don’t go about life thinking it is okay to sin. I live to glorify the Lord (yes, even if you don’t agree with the way I do it as my walk with God is His and mine…not yours).

I already know what I am saying could cause some to want to get mad and that is alright. I challenge you to read the Word and pray about it and please do pray for me-we are all vulnerable to Satan’s attacks and I for one do not want any. So back to my topic of words that hurt…I have experienced a lot of hurt in the past that I only talked about with my counselor and God. I realize a lot of times we say things feeling that we are justified because that person hurt us, but it still doesn’t make it right. You know what, I have forgiven those people 100% who hurt me and I have asked forgiveness of the individuals who I hurts with my actions and words. I am now just writing these things out in hopes to make others aware of some of the truths that God has revealed to me over the past 6+ months.

Another part of hurtful words, one that I have experienced and sadly been privy to in years past (asked forgiveness to those individuals involved too), is spreading “news” about others that isn’t your “news” to be spreading. In other words…gossiping. C’mon, we all have done it! I hear my kids starting to do it (innocently at their age) and I have seen the affects on my own life. I want to just scream, “Come ask me for yourself!!!!” But it seems it is more fun coming from other people, especially when fact and reality get a little more muddled as it goes through the telephone chain of people. So sad. I have watched friendships collapse because of it and as Christians, we do it in other ways that don’t seem so forthright. You know what we do? We call someone and tell them to pray for someone because of “blah blah blah blah.” And then the damage is done, it has become gossip. I don’t hear men doing this quite as much as I have heard the women, but don’t tell me you haven’t done it or heard it. My family and friends said they felt they had to talk about what they thought was going on with me when I was scarce last year, when in fact, I really wasn’t doing much of anything. Yeah, I wasn’t living for the Lord, but instead of me hearing weird stories about what I did and wondering what on earth, I kind of wish that God’s children would just seek Him alone and tell Him what is bothering them. No, no there is no excuse, there really isn’t. What is funny is that I hear different things from different individuals about what they think about my life right now. I assume that if you are talking to me, you are going to be honest with me. But then I will hear from someone else that “everyone says this or that and feels like this or that,” and funny thing…it isn’t what they told me at all. I feel like if we all kept it to ourselves and between us and God (spouses I can be understanding of), we all would be better off and maybe there would be a little more trust and faith in each other. Words tear others down…even if they are meant to be harmless. Please, please, if not for my sake, for your son’s sake, for your daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, friends or any others’ sake, think before you let any words come out of your mouth. Not to sound like a broken record, but ask yourself if you would be talking to someone like you are if God were right there listening. You and I know He is and we know that He is sad whenever we do or say something that isn’t beneficial and doesn’t bring Him glory. Can’t we build each other up? Can’t we say good things about each other to others and to one another?

Okay, so my love language is words of affirmation…you guessed it. This is why this topic is so important to me. Honestly, I seem to have a knack for being around people who do just the opposite and it is very hard to deal with. It is why I had such a hard time saying anything positive to my counselor about myself. It is why after awhile, I finally realized I was becoming so negative, especially towards myself. I am the kind of person who doesn’t need to know how bad I was already…I already beat myself up over it every day. And thank the Lord, I no longer feel the need to do that. For once in my life I have gone over 6 months without feeling condemned. I was freed from my chains and I rejoice! I have more peace than I have ever felt. Go ahead, say what you want behind my back, but God is the one who hears my innermost thoughts and to me, He is the ONE I aim to honor and please. ;o)

Further reading:
Psalm 34:13
Proverbs 18:21
Proverbs 21:23
Proverbs 26:28
Proverbs 31:26
James 1:26 (one of my personal favorites)
James 3:6
James 3:8
1 Peter 3:10

I also wanted you to know that I am writing a children’s book on “Words that Hurt” and I will be posting my rough draft of here for you to read. :o) Thank you for putting up with me and my rough writing style! ;o)

A verse from a few weeks ago that I have been attempting to post

2007-12-08T19:44:00.000-08:00

Psalm 18:1-3

I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; So shall I be saved from my enemies.

the adoption

2007-11-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

Looking out the window of the car that led me to the new emptiness I felt, it was as if all time stood still. The sorrow that I felt was indescribable and it hurt so much I don’t think I even knew how to cry it out. In a way, I felt a little sad that life hadn’t been the great escape and new life I had been hoping for just over 9 months ago, before I got pregnant and entrapped in an incredibly abusive relationship. Now, thinking about the future without the one I had carried inside for me the past 9 months seemed so full of sadness and loneliness.
I knew from the time I decided to seek an adoption for my son when I was 8 months along, that it was the best thing for him and the best for me. I also knew it would bring the couple that I had found, one of the most awesome pleasures and joys in life, which until this baby they had not been able to experience. I had been told it would be very difficult and that on top of the depression I had already had before his birth, it would be even harder. I had actually laughed at that before, though, because I thought that since I knew it was the right thing to do, it wouldn’t be so difficult.
I guess it hit me the hardest on the second day of my stay in the hospital where the adoptive parents and Nathanael and I were. I had spent the night holding my little newborn in my arms, where he slept contentedly. I knew when the morning hit that I only had a few short hours until I relinquished this child to another mother and he would no longer be mine. Even not being able to nurse this little baby when my instincts told me to, felt so wrong. I longed to hold this baby for 9 long months and now all I had was two short days. That morning as my doctor came in he took one look at me and asked me if I was going to need some meds (meaning antidepressants). And at that moment, as tears welled up inside and I didn’t want to face reality I knew I needed all the help I could get to get through.
You know, looking back on the first 8 months of pregnancy, this was not how I had planned on things turning out. At the beginning, when Nathanael was conceived, I thought I was in love with a man who promised a new and good life and to love me and take care of me. I had always dreamed of having a third child! But I never would have dreamed that this child’s father was such a liar and a violent person. After my first trimester, I experienced what I had only seen on television-physical abuse. I had dealt with some verbal and emotional abuse before, but had never been exposed to physical violence-no I truly had never been touched violently out of anger. I was hit, kicked, thrown, strangled, and slammed up against the wall. You would have thought that it would have been damaging to the baby or at least that the stress I was in, having to walk on eggshells every moment trying to avoid disrupting this man, would have caused me to miscarry. As it was, I was at a higher risk for miscarriage, due to the two prior miscarriages I had had and also because I had been operated on only 6 months before I conceived and pregnancy could have caused the sutures holding up my uterus to rupture. Was I in pain? Absolutely! The stress, and turmoil I was in, however, was far greater than any physical pain I would feel.
When I was 6 months along, I was beat so bad, and for the first time my face was involved enough to bleep and have a black eye-I called 911 and went to stay with my brother. I had already left this man two other times, both temporarily, as his control over me was so great, that even when I knew I was putting myself and the baby at risk, I would return to him. This time, he went to jail, however. He was released a month later, pending trial, and he again began to contact me and try to convince me we should be together and have our child, apologizing for the violence and promising he would never do it again. He hit me on the back of the head enough to give me slight concussions and cause permanent indents three more times. He took anger management classes and even passed as one of the top students.
Meanwhile, I had decided I couldn’t handle him, and certainly couldn’t handle my child growing up around him and becoming like him. I wanted Nathanael to grow up in an environment where his mommy and daddy loved each other, would teach him about God, where he would learn to love and accept all people-and mostly not be exposed to such anger and violence. I also realized that as long as I had the child in my care, his father would always control me. He liked to say that because he tattooed his nickname on me and because of what was in my belly, I was HIS. Every time he would tell me my soul belonged to him or that I owed him something, I would shake my head silently and think to myself, “Does he not know that I belong to God, and if anyone owed anything, it was he that owed an apology to me and my family and my other children’s father?” This man even had the nerve to threaten that he would raise our son to be one of the worst soldiers-to grow up and kill my other older son and others.
I was first confronted with the idea of adoption one day when I came home to my brother’s and just blurted out that I couldn’t handle all this anymore. My brother made it seem so simple. Just adopt him out. Hah! The idea of adoption or abortion had never even crossed my mind-they just weren’t for me. I would raise the baby with or without someone…I didn’t care, but he was mine and I would raise him. When times were tough for me financially, emotionally, and physically, I would secretly pray that God would allow me to miscarry, as selfish as it was, so that life wouldn’t be so difficult for me. But apparently God had other plans. So, when my brother suggested adoption, he got a very adamant “NO!... but I’ll pray about it.” Then I ran to my room and slammed the door and cried and then called anyone I could think of to sympathize with me and tell me I was right. You know, none of them did that. Instead, they all told me to do whatever I thought and felt was right. So for the rest of that day, as I thought about it, I actually began to consider the possibility of adoption.
Several days later, at church, I found myself asking a lady who worked at a crisis pregnancy center about adoptions and how they work. She mentioned open adoptions that would allow me to see the baby, but not the father. She also offered to take me to an agency where I could get more information and find out if it seemed like a possibility for me. We set up an appointment and two days later I was at the adoption agency. I had a long talk with a counselor where she also confirmed that the mentality and violence of the father, despite how much he thought he loved me, was not something he could change. He was hardwired that way and that if I wanted to be around him or not, the baby shouldn’t be. I agreed and I was shown several couples’ profiles. None of them seemed to quite “feel” right and I was still doubtful. My friend from church took me back to her office at the crisis pregnancy center, where she got online and showed me the profiles of several couples looking for a bi-racial child, from a Christian adoption agency a few hours away. I said I would call them and find some more answers.
That evening I called, and the representative from the adoption agency was on her way to Spokane, where I lived as we spoke. She told me about a specific couple, so while we talked, I jumped online to look at their profile. Instantly, as I read about them and saw their picture, I knew! I even told my brother later that if God meant for me to complete an adoption, it was with them. Otherwise, I was to keep my baby. Two days passed and the representative and I met up at a local coffee shop and she listened to my story and all I had been through. At this point, I was almost 8 months pregnant and that left very little time for preparation for an adoption. Usually, plans are made in the early stages of pregnancy. From experience, I would think that it would be easier on the birth mother if this were the case, because perhaps during the pregnancy, she wouldn’t have grown so attached to the idea of having and raising her child. We talked about the couple I had chosen, and pointed out to me that it may be a tough decision for them, because in my case, an adoption without consent from the father who wanted this child could be at a higher risk of not occurring. It was even possible that they would get him at birth, only to be disappointed later on if the father was allowed rights, entitling me to keep the child.
Six days later, when the adoption agency’s representative had gone back and had met with the couple, I got an urgent call. The couple was excited and despite the risks, they wanted to pursue the adoption. “What have I done?” I thought, as I felt so torn still, whether I could actually go through with this. My heart said no but every other part of me said yes. They wanted to come over and meet me the next day. WOW! It wasn’t like I was working, so of course my schedule was pretty open. Without a lot of prior planning, I found myself waiting for them at a nice restaurant the very next day. I was alone and they came with the representative I had met with a week prior.
I liked them immediately! No, I loved them! They were warm and friendly, both nervous and smiling, looking at me as if looking into their future. I asked them a multitude of questions I had written out the night before. They answered everything so sincerely and better than I could have imagined. God orchestrated this-my son was destined to be theirs…I couldn’t have picked better parents myself. At the end, the lady who was representing them gave me a paper telling me what emotions and feelings I would go through after I had the baby and they took him home. We had talked about names for the baby (all of us had already picked the name Nathanael although mine was spelled differently), and birth plans such as who I wanted with me in the hospital and all of that. What a strange experience for me, when my last two children had been born with only myself and their father and the medical staff in the room. Not to mention, both my other had gone home with us. I had no idea what I was in for.
The next month went by slowly as I awaited the child inside me to make an appearance. It turned out that because of his size being quite a bit larger than either of the previous ones I had had, the doctor felt it was best to induce a week early. So, on April 17th, 2007, Nathanael Malachi was born. Strangely enough, the labor and birth wasn’t so bad. Or at least, maybe because of the heartache that I had in later days, the birth of my child dimmed in comparison to the loss I felt.
Looking out the window of the car driving me back to my brother’s house, I felt numb. Only moments ago I had quickly kissed my son goodbye and shown his new parents how to buckle in his car seat for their 5-hour ride home. Now I felt devastated. I still looked pregnant-only I wasn’t and I didn’t even have a baby to hold to prove that I had just had one either. I didn’t bother wondering whether or not these people would take care of him properly or not. I knew that they were much older and experienced than I had been with my first baby…and he seems to be alright thus far. They had promised to call and send pictures and we had agreed that in two or so months, I could go visit.
I held back the tears that threatened to overwhelm me until the adoption representative had dropped me off at the front door where my sister-in-law met me. I don’t remember at what point the tears began to pour, but maybe she does. In any case, they didn’t stop. As much as I wanted the aching and the loneliness and sadness so deep that I can’t describe to stop, it wouldn’t and so I couldn’t stop my crying. I was so exhausted from the delivery and lack of sleep that I began to drift off to sleep as I cried. But I wouldn’t allow myself to sleep because every time I closed my eyes, I felt little Nathanael in my arms. I smelled him; I saw him. Only, he wasn’t there, and then I sobbed and sobbed. Long into the night I cried out to God, “Why?”, and begged Him to at least take away the hurt and pain inside. He didn’t, but as I lay my head down on my damp pillow, I felt His arms wrap around me, and a sense of comfort, just as a father comforts his child. He let me cry on His shoulder, and even though He didn’t take away my feelings, I knew He was there for me and would help me press on.
The next day was severe. My eyes were never so red and puffy-I must have looked horrible! I had to pick up my 6 and 4 year old children. I took them to the library where a picture on a CD caught my eye. I checked it out and on the way home, popped it into my CD player in the car. Then they tears began to roll. It was a CD of soft musical lullabies with a beautiful picture of a newborn in his father’s hands on the front. One song in particular I kept listening to over and over. It was called, “You Can Close Your Eyes” and in it says, “…you can close your eyes, it’s all right…you can sing this song when I’m gone.” For some reason it home. I listened to it constantly and called it Nathanael’s song. It was difficult for my children to see me cry and be so sad. They had already had the grim experience of seeing their mother with a bruised face and knew I had been hurt. Now I had to explain to them where their baby brother was that they had also, for 8 months, expected to see and kiss. I explained to them that I hurt because I missed the baby and that was about as simple as it truly was. But I knew, and explained to the kids, that Nathanael was where he belonged and he and I were both safer for it.
The crying stopped and I started taking less and less antidepressants and cried less and less. I went to several counselors and talked it out. A month after Nathanael was born, I had my last run-in with his father, who, in front of his girlfriend, struck me on the head, splitting it open and knocking me unconscious for approximately 36 hours. This encounter when I should have been killed, confirmed to me that I had made the right decision about my son. A month later, while the father was in jail, awaiting a trial with a bond of $150,000 for several counts of domestic violence and breaking a no-contact order, Nathanael was officially adopted.
Last week I got to visit Nathanael for the second time since his birth. He is currently almost 7 months old and I don’t know whether or not I will see him again. Even though I conceived him, carried him, gave birth to him, I feel most definitely that he belongs to the wonderful couple who is now raising him. They were never able to have children of their own and now they get to experience the joy and excitement of watching their own baby from before he was born and when he was born, grow and learn. He is a loving and happy and carefree little baby and I am happy and content exactly where I am right now. Someday he may ask to know more about me or may want to meet me or his other older siblings. For now, I trust God that He placed my baby in a good home and that they will raise him as a part of their family, loving him and caring for him unconditionally. Adoption was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it has proven to be the most rewarding thing I have done.

Life lately

2007-10-21T18:04:00.000-07:00

Well hello, strangers! Sorry to those who have given up and thought that just because I wasn't blogging on here, I must be a lost cause. : ) So very NOT TRUE!!! I am alive and doing well! Isn't God awesome???? I am excited and blessed every day! I find rest and peace in God's presence on a constant basis...even though I feel like Satan is constantly trying to throw frustrations my way...yes, yes...I know...I can't have plans myself except to follow step-by-step exactly where God leads because I get trampled or fall off His path...and we all know where that goes. : )

Anyway, I have actually attempted to post on here, but ever since I moved into my own place, I only have wireless internet and it cuts out all the time, so by the time I hit "post", my signal has gone and I didn't save my work so when I hit "back"...guess what? Nothing! Ahhhh!!! OK, so I am trying to learn to use a program like word to first type something out and then copy and paste to my blogspot...thus what I am doing right now. : ) So, yes...in July, I moved into my own place (a rented townhouse that they were okay with me painting inside and having two adorable kittens)! I have a designated "kids' room" that we have painted (yes, they helped) partially green and then their artwork as well as pictures of family and us together fill their walls. I have yet to finish painting my room, but the dining room has 3 chairs now...so it is complete...(well, adding more might be more condusive to visitors, LOL), and the living room is all set.... I am loving it here and love the silence when I can reflect on all God has given me and in the lingering echoes of children's laughter I am reminding me of how thankful I am that God spared my life! : )

Okay, rumors, rumors...let me set things straight since I don't know what is going around circles about me these days since I am scarce and constantly working it seems.

Work: I am currently (and have been for almost two months) at the Iron Skillet out by the Medical Lake Exit off I-90. I love it there, despite the drama of some of the girls (not usually during the day shift which I work) or the wars over hours. Now that it is slowing down, I have been priviledged to get more hours than most because I am a server AND a cashier...something a lot of girls refuse to do because they get no tips. Actually, this next Tuesday I will be in the "back of the house" doing Prep...got to get my hours in somehow! ;) I have a resume in for management, so that is still in prayerful consideration...it could be two weeks or 6 months, but as God opens or closes doors, I will be atuned to Him. If I get management I will also learn more of the "back of the house" such as I will have to cook on the line. Most of my training would be in Texas. We will see..... =o)

Kids: Elliot is in First grade this year and loving it! I have never heard of him being out of line and we just finished his first fund-raiser of the year (it was an experience we didn't like going to all my neighbors' doors and getting turned down...oh well). Greg and I have mutual friends-parents of Elliot's friends, from school. It is fun to see my son being social! : ) He is also taking Karate & grappling (wrestling) classes at a nearby community center and loving that! I love watching him...then I know what he learned so when he tries to practice on me...I can be prepared to block-YIKES! LOL! Natalie is a bubbly pre-Ker...going starting this week to her own class. She is proud Greg says, because she got a backpack just like her older brother's. She is sad the community center doesn't offer ballet during karate, but she enjoys drawing while we wait. Soon, Natalie...soon! Activities we have been doing are everything ranging from making our own clay tacks for their own bulletin board and painting them (and anything else I let them paint), we went to Greenbluff for a whole day, we have been to pottery painting, wonderland to play gold or go-cart, etc, theaters, downtown, and oh-so-much more. Yeah, sometimes if you ask them, they'll say we just stayed home too. ; )

Baby: I am talking about the little guy I adopted out. He is over 6 months old and so happy with his mother and father! They visited back in July, and now this next week I get to go visit them in their home. I know people are hesitant to ask how I am doing with all that-don't be! I know God orchestrated this baby into this family's life and I couldn't be more happy! I do not feel sentimentally attached or sad. The counselor I had had long since said I was free of depression and have become a totally different person in the 8 months that she saw me. When I see this baby, it is like seeing a nephew, or a best-friends' child, or a grandchild (not even that closely attached), so if is fun and exciting (sometimes a little weird) and then when he starts to cry...to mommy he goes. LOL! Wow...God is going to use that kid...I am in love with his parents...they are such godly people and their friendship means so much!

Ian: Oh...here is a name you probably don't know, but I don't know as I forsee it disappearing either. Yes, I realize opinions and frustrations will arise, however, I want to be completely open and honest. It IS ok to question me and wonder what on earth I am doing.... If I am guilty of having had a friend that was a boy be my friend, I guess that is my downfall? Anyway, I have known Ian for almost 14 months, when we first started working at Petro (Iron Skillet-he is a cook) together. We became friends who could count on each other for support and nothing else. We saw a similarity in each other...but until I was separated from Nathanael's dad, didn't ever get closer. We talked a little more after I had Nathanael and he started visiting my church. Ian is very quiet...we can sit across from each other and understand the pain each one of us has been through...we relate...and..we have more in common...we have a Savior who I believe is allowing us to grow together and lift each other up even more in the Lord. I love it when he finds something in the Bible that totally relates to what we'll hear at Church and I would have never thought of that. One thing we know: God is first and foremost and HE is our happiness...not each other. We have both been hurt by other people and for both of us, trust is hard. We both come from loving and supportive families, and we have a lot in common. He is quiet and reserved but friendly and social and I see peace in Him-I see a picture of my Father...and that makes me smile. I also see my Father in my dad, and have in my brothers as well. Yes, even though I am not in "love" with Greg, I see him being a godly example to our children. Greg will always be a part of my life-my family. I live in the consequence of sin every day by having a broken family, and no, I don't pretend I can get that back with any other person. God fills that void where HE should have been all along so that no possible earthy thing, circumstance, or person could get me down and discouraged. Ian and I don't argue...even if we disagree-we are different people, and God made us unique, but ultimately, the only thing worth spending time on is enhancing our spiritual growth. Yes, Ian is my best friend, and yes, you may see us holding hands and spending time together. Pray for us-for me, for him, that we will put God first in our lives always! Actually, even our work comes first , plus my kids (second after God). : ) And...yes, they have met Ian and his mom and they love them (guess Natalie may have a little crush...LOL...will she hate me when she is older for saying that? )

Okay, so that is pretty much l;ife in a nutshell for me. Oh, yeah, I am still attempting to get my business with Melaleuca going...amidst all the artwork I find myself glued to lately (I love art). : )

Have a blessed day!!!

Look Ahead

2007-10-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

I'm looking ahead to the life you have given me.

Not going to look behind me to see the death-

the sadness and fear, hurt and suffering,

sin and darkness, so full of emptiness.

Can't bear the weight of the load I left back there.

I looked your way and you held out a hand.

You pulled me close and said "look ahead"

And pointed to the light of joy and peace.

I hear people laugh at me, sometimes shaking their head.

But they know not the path that lies in wait to devour.

For what they do not know is that I have been there,

And without You, I am weak and fall again and again.

You are my light, You are my joy-my peace!

In you alone will I trust, though they may laugh and jeer.

I find happiness and rest in your path of forgiveness,

For when all I had was broken dreams, You said to me..."Look ahead."

Memory Verse- Philippians 3:13,14

2007-08-26T02:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting my memory verses on here lately or much of anything for that matter because I moved and have not had the internet! I do now, so let's keep memorizing together! I memorized the following verses and actually ALL of Philippians when I was in 8th grade, so this should be a refresher for me. =o)

Philippians 3:13, 14

Brethren, I count myself not to have apprehended: But this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth, unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Fallen

2007-08-26T02:20:00.000-07:00

Every day is a challenge for me. So many things are on my mind. Outsiders (even ones on the inside in a way) see that I have it so easy. They think I have money to spend, time to live, and can do anything I want. I believe most of those who have judged me in the past would think that I am out there partying or hanging out with crowds of people who are doing nothing but dragging me down. Sometimes, I feel so oppressed that I just want to give in. I don't though. I know that a step back for myself would be like 10 steps back because of how hard it has been for me to get this far. Each morning, when I wake up, I have to face the day: face the empty bed that I made for myself, face the empty house that my decisions caused, face the heavy workload because I wasn't satisfied to stay at home when I had the chance, face the questions of people who once called me a friend or family. I bury the hurt much of the time, but in the early morning, when I know that my day is too heavy and too hard for me to handle, I fall down on my knees and give it to God. Yes, there are days when I grumble and complain and fall flat on my face. But while I am down, I realize that I am right where I should be...at the feet of Jesus. I am so tiny and insignificant. Today, I was in too much physical pain to get out of bed, let alone cope with my kids and the rest of the world, so I called my daddy and he prayed for me. Only moments later I passed out and when I woke up the pain was gone. You may think it is a coincidence, but I know it wasn't. My parents pray for me many times a day and I know that their prayers and the prayers of others have sustained me this past year when I experienced every emotion known to man. Shame, sorrow, sadness, grief, loneliness, desperation, guilt, unforgiveness, physical pain, and so much more. Through it all, I now have joy. I have hope! I don't just hope for the future, because even though I have dreams, I know that life is short and an be disappointing. I live each day each moment at a time and enjoy as much as I can, being with my kids, my family, or my friends. They are what matter most to me and my trust is solely in God. I know I can't trust people-my experiences have taught me that without God, everything-everyone fails, so not even I can be trusted. I have been so hurt and so sad and God can never do that to me! He is my only true friend who is ALWAYS there when I need someone to talk to. He never leaves or says goodbye. He never tells me I am a loser when I do dumb things (LOL). He doesn't laugh at me or call me names. He just understands me and loves me. I hope to be like that for others...a reflection of God-the sanctuary He is. My prayer today is that I might draw you closer to Him. Don't expect me to be perfect, because I will fail you-I am only human. Trust God and so will I and we will have faith in each other and grow

So you think you are a grown-up?

2007-08-24T23:32:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been asked by numerous people what my goals are. After about the 5th person asking me this in one week, I decided I had better give this some more thought. I hadn’t been thinking about it-rather more like avoiding it. I certainly didn’t want to focus on my future, because honestly, I am going where I have never gone before: into the depths of singleness. As long as I can remember, I have been “with” someone or at least had some mutual crush…and at the very least, lived with my parents.
Just over a month ago, I moved into my own place-a two-bedroom townhouse, and I was convinced that I could be alone and survive! Guess what? I have been surviving, but I have also come to some realizations in the past few weeks. Number one: I am not really alone, nor do I “need” to be alone in order to grow up as I once thought. Number two: I do not “need” to know what the future is going to be like nor do I need to feel afraid of it. Yes, these were some of my misconceptions about what it would be like to move on from my past. Would you like some enlightenment? Okay, allow me to explain my thought process.
If I live alone, then how am I not alone? Well, for one, I have half of my family in the same city that I live and I am privileged to talk with them or go out with them every so often. Also, I have made quite a few new friends that if I really want company, I could invite over. Ha, ha…I don’t though! I actually enjoy the peace and quiet that I had never before experienced. For me, another huge factor is that I know I am never alone because Christ lives in me…God is always with me. It is a truth that I can not explain very well, but it is my belief that He knows every thought of mine before I even can think it. I really don’t even have to worry or fear anything that I go through-not even what the future may bring. SLOWLY, I am learning that God gives me more than I could ever want or fathom if I am just patient (something I seem to usually be in short supply of) and trust that God knows what is better for me.
You see, I think this is why I have a hard time with the whole “goal” thing that everyone seems to ask me about. I don’t want to have any “ideas” or “plans” for my future, because for one, quite frankly, I don’t want to get hurt or disappointed again. Also, it is because I know what kind of weirdo ideas I am capable of that are temporary or fickle and that doesn’t lead to a satisfying or productive life. I want to have hope for the future-to believe that if I just live each day at a time and don’t try to do things MY way, I will go farther and be much more content than I could have planned out for myself. Hello?! WHY? I am speaking from experience! Have I made my own plans? YEP! And guess what?! They NEVER work out! But somehow, if I just do nothing but take each moment at a time, God allows me to live life to its fullest, to meet better people than I could have imagines, to build deeper relationships, to laugh and have more fun. WOW-I love life and living when I don’t have to “worry” about meeting some goal…or should I say “false expectation.” Don’t get me wrong, it is good to have dreams…and I do have those. But I can’t allow them to dictate my decisions or interfere with what could be.
Hey, guess what?! I am also not alone because I now have two adorable little kittens at home. I find them relaxing and entertaining just lounging at home watching them chase each other and play, or just cuddling with them.
The other thing, I did touch on briefly, which was about being “afraid” of the future. See, I don’t need to be afraid of it just because I can’t see it. I have been typically known to want things MY way…meaning if I am in control, I could measure the good and the bad in my life…I felt like I was doing the “right” thing for me at the time, which I never probably was. Now days, I just try to focus on that day-on that moment or how I can help or influence another person I am around for the better. I want to uplift others, and by doing that with those around me, I naturally go up with them. You know, life is much easier and better if one doesn’t stress out. You can relax and actually enjoy yourself and be who you are (a nice reason to live alone for awhile). I did seem to always be living under someone else’s shadow. Even in marriage, where there should have been equality (“teamwork”), I was always shadowing or following someone else’s lead and I realize now that it was because I had never learned responsibility and independence. I didn’t know how to function as an individual, much less one side of a team. Now that I am not afraid of the future and of being silent, content, or at peace with myself, I don’t have to worry that I will not make it on my own. I am and I will make it. If God allows me to share this new life with someone, as a partner-a friend-I will be okay and there shouldn’t be any identity issues or control issues.
So, now you are wondering why I entitled this, “So You Think You Are Grown Up?” The reason is that we are in a constant state of growing and maturing. I have been through a lot and I can say it is probably a lot more than the average person. I am a “grown up” to my kids, but I am far from being all grown up! I have a lot yet in life to learn and I am not afraid of it and I will grow and take each day at a time. I do not feel the need to set many long-term goals, but dreams and realistic “goals” are a good thing. Besides, if we were all totally and completely “grown up” I believe there would no longer be a reason for us to be here on the earth. What would be the point, right?

Memory verse Romans 6:12-16

2007-07-16T07:49:00.002-07:00

This passage is a little longer than the last, but I believe it is worth the extra effort or time in memorizing and putting into our minds for later recall! Thank you to those of you who may be memorizing these with me! =o) We can quiz each other later! One thing I wanted to reiterate about what I am memorizing...the verses I choose, I choose because of where I have been and I believe God has given us the Bible to be able to equip ourselves for battle because I know first hand that there is a battle raging all around us and as believers, we have been given the weapons and defenses to resist the devil...in Christ!

Romans 6:12-16

"Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof. Neither yield ye in your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God. For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid. Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness."

"The Hand Song"...why it means so much...

2007-07-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

This song, by Nickel Creek, was something I had heard over 6 years ago when Elliot was just a baby. First off, it meant something to me because it was talking about a little boy doing something to show his love for his mother. I have read the book "The Five Love Languages" (as well as the one for children) and believe that this little boy's love language was acts of service. How awesome it depicts it in this song...how the little boy related to Jesus and the greatest act of service ever...the reason why Jesus' hands and feet became scarred. Wow! What awesome love! Then later in the song it speaks of something that can be related to even now as our young men are in another country, giving their lives. I figured some of you had wondered why I have chosen to keep this song on my playlist on the right (second song), so I just wanted to point out a few things and why it meant enough to me to have it on here. =o) The words are below in case you want to click on the song and listen as you read. =o)

The Hands Song

The boy only wanting to give mother something,

And all of her roses had bloomed.

Looking at him as he came rushing in,

without knowing her roses were doomed.

All she could see were some thorns buried deep,

And tears that he cried as she tended his wounds.

And she knew it was love, it was what she could understand.

He was showing his love and that's how he hurt his hands.

He still remembers that night as a child, on his mothers knee.

She held him close and she opened her Bible, and quietly started to read.

Then seeing a picture of Jesus, he cried out:"Mama he's got some scars just like me!"

And he knew it was love, it was what he could understand.

He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

Now the boy is grown and moved out on his own.

When Uncle Sam comes along.

A foreign affair, but our young men are there.

And luck had his number drawn.

It wasn't that long till our hero was gone,

he gave to a friend what he learned from the cross.

But they knew it was love, it was one they could understand.

He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

It was one they could understand.

He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

In love...

2007-07-11T00:20:00.000-07:00

How does one know whether or not they are in love? Or how does one know whether or not they know how to even love? These are questions that come up for me from time to time, and not actually having to do with other human relationships. I'm talking about something deeper and someone who could love you more than you could possibly imagine! I AM in love and by knowing His love for me, I am learning to love the way I should. I am not talking about love from a man...although in a relationship, all this is very applicable; I am talking about God.
Please read the following verse and ask God to reveal to you what it truly means:

1Co 13:4-8
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."

James 4: 6-8 (memory verses)

2007-07-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

James 4:6,7,8

"But He giveth more grace. Wherefore He saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded."

A friend

2007-07-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loveth at all times...."
Proverbs 18:24 "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly; and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."
John 15:13 "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

I was just thinking over some of the qualities I would want as a friend and in a friend. Truly, I can honestly say that if these verses described a true friend, I don't think I would have to many friends. One thing I know for sure, though, is that the Lord is a TRUE FRIEND! He does love at all times...no matter how mean and nasty I can be! He sticks closer than a brother...a whole lot closer than anyone in fact! He already laid His life down for me! Wow! Can anyone compare? I pray that God will whittle in my heart these qualities that I cannot alone attain or become! Are you a friend like this?

James 4:4 says that if you are friends with the world, you are an enemy of God! Watch who your friends are!

2007-07-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

Day By Day

(1) Day by day and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best-
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

(2) Every day the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me.
He whose name is Counselor and power.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me he made.

(3) Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy word.
Help me Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
'Til I reach the promised land.

My life..."Tried Through Fire"

2007-07-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

Hi! My name is Cara and I was born in March of 1980, along with my twin brother, Caleb. My parent's Mike and Gwen Klontz left the country to be missionaries, along with my twin and I, plus my brother Jeremy (who was 5) and my sister Jolynn (who was 3), when we were only 5 months old. Although they were originally headed to Brazil, we ended up in Bolivia, staying there (with the exception of our furloughs to the US) for 15 years!

While in South America, I had the priviledge of experiencing a very poor country that was quite relaxed, laid back, and slow-paced. Honestly, when I was a kid, life was good. No, actually, life was GREAT! We were always on some new adventure climbing this mountain or that one, swimming in the muddy river, watching cows get butchered, and on and on went the days. I was a fortunate Missionary Kid (MK) in that my parents actually lived at the school I went to ("Tambo" Boarding School) for all except my 8th grade year. I even got to live with them most of the time...I got a room to myself when they were dorm parents to the little boys. And yes, I got along great with the boys-LOL...I played mud tackle football all the time along with my best friend, Vanessa.

When I was 4 years old, I knew that my heart was consumed with sin, and I asked God to forgive me and come live inside me. I may not have understood all that I did or said, but I do know that when a child seeks God, it is of a sincere heart. As I grew, I was constantly reading and learning verses in the Bible. I took Bible classes, memorized scripture, and prayed...and yes...I did mean them. I am thankful for my foundation...and for my family that was rooted in Christ. "Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

In 8th grade, I experienced perhaps some of the most pivital times in my life. I say that because from that point on, things that I did or didn't do seemed to have had life-long effects on me that I am still working out today! Such impacting times in my life were perhaps in realizing I was not a perfect "shining" example of what I thought an MK was to be like. An example of this was the first time I got into trouble (for passing notes) and my dorm parents called me into their office and actually said to me, "When we heard you were going to be in our dorm, we were so happy because we knew you would be an angel! But now we realize we were wrong." OKay, I admit, that may be what I HEARD, not what they actually said. In any case, though, it meant that they had had expectations that I had not lived up to. The rest of the year basically was one meeting in their office after another of times that I had failed.

Fortunately, the next year, my parents felt it would be more beneficial for Caleb and I to be with them in the city of Cochabamba where my dad was the government representative for New Tribes Mission. I guess I mostly just went through what most kids do at that age. After that year, my parents decided to move back to the United States, where they were offered the opportunity to stay on with New Tribes as regional representatives in the Northwest. Thus, we moved to Spokane, Washington, in the summer of 1995. I was 15 years old and devastated that I would never see my friends again and that I had to adapt to this crazy fast-paced environment.

As is my custom, I began to build walls around my emotions and shut out all memories and feelings I had had of Bolivia...it was how I knew how to deal with hurt. I can look back and admit I was bitter and perhaps angry at my parents for the decision they made. They did try to make the adjustment easier for Caleb and I by enrolling us in a private school. From 1995 to 1998, when we graduated, Caleb and I attended Northwest Christian. We were both members of the ASB our Senior Year and even though I didn't get too high of a GPA, I was proud to have been on the National Honor Society. Life was still good. =o) I had even had a relationship or two during those years, which I had thought was great!

I met Greg when I was 17 years old and working at Sears. He started working there and I was designated the one to show him the ropes. We began talking and formed a fairly good friendship/infatuation (for lack of a better term) with each other. By the time we had graduated highschool, we had decided to start dating and also had both enrolled in Moody Bible Institute (the Northwest Center in Spokane). After a year at Moody, Greg and I were married August 2nd, 1999. We were 19 years old and I loved that he loved me! I decided to work full time and Greg went on to work part time and study at Moody until graduating with his Bachelor's degree in 2003.

Backtracking a second...Elliot James Rushing was born to us on December 18, 2000. I became a stay-at-home mom, thanks to some financial help we received and God's provision for our needs.

In the summer of 2002, Greg and I were able to go on a short-term mission team, led by my former best friend (who if you recall I never had thought I would see again), Vanessa. We went to Horeb, Bolivia (getting to stay in Cochabamba where I had lived), and there helped to build a library/bookstore for the tribal community there. Actually, I didn't do a whole lot of the building...mostly the cooking and washing, etc, as I was pregnant again.

Natalie Lynae Rushing was born February 27th, 2003! I continued to stay at home, until we came back from a short, 3-month move to Richland, Washington, for Greg's job. I went to work at a video retailer when Natalie was turning 1. I didn't work a lot, but just enough to help make ends meet.

Elliot and Natalie were, have been, and still are some of the best-behaved children I have ever seen! I have been priviledged to have had such calm and respectful children! It hasn't always been easy, especially on them, but I love them so much! I did lose two babies along the way, in between having them, and because of it, I cherish the lives of my dear children even more! Every child is a miracle and a blessing from God!

In January 2005, Greg and I bought a house and moved, and later that year, I left the job I was at. During the years, I had been selling on eBay (online), designing and sewing children's clothing and bedding, designing websites, and all-around doing general arts and crafts. I was also fairly involved at Church: MOPS, Awana, Sunday School, Bible study, etc. I kept myself always running from one thing to another.

2005 was a tough year for Greg and I. We disagreed quite often on parenting, on money, an each other, and just about everything that is sadly normal in troubled relationships today. We both had sin issues in our lives that God was working on and late in 2005, I started counseling. Through the months, I thought I was learning who I was and learning that I could be independent, which only seemed, in the end, to escalate the problems in my marriage. So... mid-2006, I decided to up and leave Greg, my husband of 7 years.

I won't go into a lot of detail here, but I will say this as I look back on the events that took place just over a year ago: I made a decision to take myself out from Godly counsel (my Church and my family) and go my own way. When I left, I decided that I wanted to try and see what life would be like if I did things MY way. And so began the fire...I honestly feel like it was hell on earth. Sin has a way of doing that to a Christian. God does not allow us to play with fire and not get burned. When I left my husband, I immediately fell into sin, filed for divorce, and moved in with a man that I was deceived into thinking was "all that I wanted". I had no insight that this man had been a criminal, believed in God but was not saved, was violent, or any of the things that he truly was. The following eleven months of my life are too aweful for me to write about on my blog. No, I was not doing drugs or killing anyone...thankfully God spared me in a lot of ways.

In November of 2006, I married another man who I thought was everything and really was as far from God as could be. By that time, my divorce to Greg was final and I was a good 4 months pregnant. I can not explain to you how I felt except that it was the most dark and ugly despair imaginable to me. I felt that the damage to myself and those around me was done and was irrepairable. I had already been abused physically, emotionally, verbally, and just about any way you can imagine. However, the sweet and cunning words (I imagine similar to what the serpent sounded like to Eve when she sinned) helped me cling on to the false sense of reality. The hope that he would change and turn to Christ kept me always calling out to God.

After I had married this man, and began to feel I was on eggshells (besides being the sole working individual of our home) all the time, and the realization struck that God could not bless this marriage founded in sin. I read my Bible, I prayed, I even talked to my new husband about God and read him portions of the Bible. One day he would get it and the next, his actions spoke louder that he did not believe or have any godly qualities. It was a match made in hell and the sad part of it was that I felt I deserved it. Well...in reality I suppose I deserved much much worse, but the glory in that is that through Christ, there is redemption by His blood. Jesus dies for me and for every sin I had committed and this was something I always held onto, even though I didn't feel like I could be forgiven by myself or others. And...I still felt like I was in the dark.

On January 29th, I prayed that God would radically do something to change the situation I was in...I feared for my life on a daily basis and especially for the life that was still (miraculously through all this) growing inside of me. The following night, God answered my prayer. I was violently assaulted (not the first time it had happened, but it was enough for me to know if I stayed I could have been killed) and fled, calling 911 while I did so. Three long days later, he was in custody. My older brother and his wife were kind enough to take me in (I had already attempted to leave three other times...none of which I had followed through with) the night I was assaulted. I was aware of the grim situation I was in and knew I needed God. I knew He was the only one who could help me get through. Over the time I lived with them, I adopted a new Church as my home Church and they were so awesome at accepting me and loving me despite all my short-comings! I loved going to Church and because I was supposed to be on partial bed-rest from my pregnancy, was no longer working at the time. I was in school, however.

After this man I had called my "husband" was released from jail in early March, he contacted me through my old cell phone. There was a no-contact order in place, however, neither of us paid too much attention to it. I didn't know what to do about him, honestly, at that point. I decided that it was too dangerous for the baby or I to be in his life, and, after my brother suggested the idea and I begrudgingly agreed to pray about it, decided to go the route of adoption for my baby. I went through Life Services and a family friend (and personal mentor to me) who hooked me up with Adoption Ministries from out of the Tacoma area. Through them, God pointed me to the adoptive parents that I chose (I will keep their names on this anonymous for safety issues). Every impossible thing that I asked for in parents for this baby, God provided for. It was an obvious sign to me that this was truly God's will, even though I was having a hard time letting go of my husband or the baby.

On April 17th, 2007 (just one month after my 27th birthday), I gave birth to Nathanael Malachi (of course, his name may not remain this, but that was his original name-both chosen for their biblical meanings). The adoptive parents resided with me in the hospital and got to be there until returning home with their new little boy two days later. I can not describe to you the shock-the numbness and despair I felt after I let him go. I had thought I could handle it because of God being "with me" and "making me strong". But now I see how God allowed me this sorrow...this separation, so that I might turn to Him for comfort and strength. Anti-depressants were the doctors' solution and I did find them to relieve some of the symptoms I was having after I had gone home to my brother's house.

As depression kicked in a little more, despite all my efforts to go to counseling, I began to backslide. I again allowed myself to be in contact with Larry, who was staying here and there...mostly in other women's houses if they would allow him to since he had no money or job or place to stay otherwise. It was a mutual negative cycle spiraling downward and I knew it would not end unless something drastic happened. I could feel my heart hardening more and more as I shut out God and ignored the counsel to leave this man. Honestly, I can't imagine (now-looking back) why I had ever wanted to be with him during any of this when all he would do was lie and cheat and react violently. It makes no sense to me sometimes.

So, on May 21st, after another bout of being contacted by him, I determined to let it be the end. I did as he asked and went to the hotel where he and a lady friend were staying (it is a long and sick story...so I am not going into it here and now). After I confronted her with the truth of the whole situation, my husband became incredibly angry with me (apparently) for he assaulted me yet again...only this time I could not walk away. The blow to my head was so great, the contusion was as large as a baseball and blood was pouring from where my head had split open from the impact. Fortunately so, or the internal bleeding might have been worse. After realizing I had been struck (and going into shock...this I know because of how my mind has blocked out specific details of his attack), I blacked out a minute later. As I did so, I said (and meant it), "Just let me die. I don't want to live anymore...." I don't know if I said it to them or to God, but God was working!

I came to once or twice throughout the night only to black out again and there were times during that night and the following day that I could hear conversation clearly, however, I had absolutely no control over my body. All I could do was listen, and give up myself...God was all I had and I didn't even know if I was alive or dead. On the morning of the 23rd, I awoke a different person. My face looked pretty bad and I was still suffering a major concussion, but I was able to get to the hospital, with some assistance, and file a police report. Let me tell you...both the doctor that examined me and the police officer who examined me said I should have been dead...even if it had been from a previous quick blow to my head. But this one was harder and a man of his stature and size against my small frame should have killed me instantly they said. Wow! Am I a living example of God's grace or what?!

Over the course of the days I was in and out of conciousness, God worked a miracle in me. It isn't anything I can explain because it was nothing I did or said. God loosed my chains; He removed the veil over my eyes; He set me free; and I saw myself washed white as snow. Amazing! That is all I can say! I had never in my life felt so clean and forgiven. I hadn't been able to forgive myself, even, for what I had done to my family and my kids over the past year. I felt like a failure and was driven by fear...and the lack of hope. But not anymore! God forgave me and I finally realized it and He helped me let go of everything! God carried me through! I died to my own will to live and God still chose to keep me on this earth. Each day I live I want to dedicate to HIM...for HIS glory!

Later on, as I talked to family and friends who had been praying for me, they said that on the 21st, it was like God was telling them that I was going to die that night. I count it a priviledge and a blessing to be alive right now. Do you know I have not taken even 1 antidepressant from that day forward and I have no depression...no anxiety...nothing! I have God's peace that passes understanding in me. Honestly, I have never had the peace that I have had these days, since God saved me from my own firey hell. I know life won't be easy or perfect for me. I am going to have to face the consequences of the poor decisions I made. I am going to have to go the difficult road of seeking to repair the broken relationships and gain trust again. I may even fall or backslide on my journey...but at least I do not fear that...it doesn't drive me anymore.

God and HIS AWESOME mercy and love are always on my mind. I talk with God constantly. He IS my refuge and my strength and He is EVERYTHING to me...everything I need...everything I want and desire. I LOVE MY GOD...MY SAVIOR!

May this story, however incomplete the end may still seem, encourage you today and point you to Christ. We are nothing and we have nothing without HIM!

Over and Over Again...

2007-07-05T22:38:00.000-07:00

Today was a tough day for me. Actually, this week has been fairly tough on me. I hate set-backs...I get down on myself and disappointed when I go through things that mean I am still human-minded. Honestly, it really stinks! I don't want to be a weak-minded or waivering individual...I want to be steadfast and unmoveable! I WANT to be a woman of God and a lot of times, I just WISH that God would just make us do what we should because...in and of myself, my heart is evil. It is ugly and even though God forgives and washes me white as snow...it doesn't mean I am anywhere near perfect or that I am not going to backslide or fall. Interestingly enough, it is a tiny "sin" that to most of us, we wouldn't think it was anything...maybe it isn't something we intentionally did. Or...maybe it is something we intentionally DIDN'T do that is our sin. Anyway, it makes that line which should be so obvious, just a little bit fuzzy. The muddled line is suddenly not so clear and that is when we allow ourselves to be fooled...to possibly step into the fog of deception and for a minute we believe we are doing something "right" when in reality, it isn't right because we weren't really on the right side of the line. Okay, maybe this doesn't make sense to you right now. Because of my week, it makes perfect sense to me, though. =o) Anyway, my point being that sin is sin. You are either hot or cold-not luke-warm.

An "Ah-hah!" moment for me these past few days: I realized that if I am even questioning what God's will for me is in a decision, I am not at peace...and I am not IN God's will. AT least, this is how I feel at the moment because of my proven circumstances in the past year. Look up Psalm 127:1 and you will see that it is pointless to "figure it out" ourselves. I need to lay back and let God be God...HE is more than capable of taking care of me! I can't put God in a box and try to limit Him! Everything without Him will fail!

My verses of the day today were John 15:4,5,7 which all kind of say the same thing. "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.... If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you."

It is so important for me as I continue on, to remember that God does not keep count of how many times I fail. Thank you, Lord! Even though others around us may keep track, we can be at peace and allow God to mold us, to prune those dead branches (the parts of us that are still bad...still self). He IS faithful! I am living proof! I love God with all my heart as much as I am capable at the moment and I do have to die daily to myself. It is a constant uphill battle, and I am sorry, but if you don't think it is a fight...I would have to most-likely disagree! Satan is always on the prowl to ware us down and tear into us! We need to remember the armor of the Lord and be prepared...and MOST OF ALL...remain in His peace and grace day by day! =o)

Lord, I praise you for your awesome grace and the mercy you show me every day! God, I thank you for each moment you allow me to remain "over my head" so that I might be constantly humbled to Your awesome love and forgiveness and always reminded that you are God and I am not in control-You are! Dear Father, please be my guide and be my comfort. I need your grace and I long for you and to be near you, Lord! Help me, God, to live each moment in You and only unto You, for You are the only one I long to please. You have promised us that you will protect us and love us, and we thank you for that. You are Lord of all and we praise you and worship you! Thank you, heavenly Father. Amen!

Praises!

2007-07-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

I hadn't written on here this past week, mostly due to some significant things going on in my life right now! They are huge praises for me, actually, as many people have been praying for me for these areas as I start out on my own from scratch. Namely, I got a job at an upscale restaurant and am absolutely loving it! God has been using it to teach me all sorts of lessons and I have been grateful for the lowly times when I have had opportunity to quietly reflect on God while bussing tables (LOL) as well as the fun and challenging times when I get to learn new things about my new job! I am currently in training as a server-Yippee! =0) I LOVE IT and PRAISE THE LORD for the job! ALSO...another huge praise for me was that I was able to buy (with some help from the state) a used vehicle that has enabled me to be mobile back and forth from work, Church, errands, and picking up or dropping off the kids! OK, another HUGE PRAISE: My little 2 month old baby was officially adopted this last Friday (June 29th)! I adopted him out to a family who had taken him home from the hospital after I had him (I had chosen them a month prior) and because the father was unwilling to sign papers, we have been waiting and waiting for a court date to possibly terminate his rights. So...I (and his new parents) are extremely excited and relieved that it has all finally come to an end! I trust you will all be able to thank the Lord for these huge answers to prayer with me! Halleluiah!!! =o)

What We Serve

2007-06-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

My studies this morning were in Matthew 6 and 7. I love these chapters as there is so much one can glean. Today I want to share with you the thoughts I have on a few verses in particular.

Matthew 6:20, 21

But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is there will your heart be also.

It was pretty funny to me when back in February, my apartment, that I was no longer living in except all our stuff was there, was broken in to. It was clearly fairly planned because they took specific items: mostly electronic and large, expensive items; jewelry; all the boxes I had already packed up to go to storage; and even my carefully filed receipts. The police tried to get prints as the thieves had come in through the window (broke the lock), but said the only "prints" were that of a specific kind of glove. I was sick that the total loss was close to $30,000 in material possessions and to make it worse, when I called about our renters' insurance, it had just lapsed. Then I lost it-I laughed and laughed! Why? Because all the time I had lived there, and had these expensive items, this man I was with (at the time married to) was consumed with fear that all his possessions would be stolen. I thought it was funny that just like that, all that he had worried about was gone. And in the back of my mind, I was thinking that he should have thought about what was most important in life-not stuff! Then he wouldn't have been worrying so much...and no one would have robbed us. It honestly didn't matter to me! I thought, "Thank heavens I don't have to move all that stuff into storage!" And it did make moving things out much easier! There were lot of ironies in the whole ordeal, but looking back I have to thank the Lord for giving me riches in heaven and not on earth. I may be way in over my head in debt and trying to make a living to stand on my own two feet, but those material things mean absolutely nothing! The man whose heart was with those things cared so much about them that he has now ended up losing everything! The Bible says where your treasure is, there will be your heart also. I am so glad my treasure is the Lord-I value Him more than anything else! I can not lose that...no one can steal Him from me or vice versa! Praise the Lord! =o)

I was also really thinking about Matthew 6:24 where it says, "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one and love the other: or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon (man)." This reinforces what I had said before in my post on choosing the right road. It is truly impossible to walk two roads and it is impossible to have both. You know the saying: "You can't have your cake and eat it too!"? That is soooo true! You can't do it!!! I tried it and it didn't work! I tried it every way I could think of! I wanted God's will and my own (in the selfish way). When God finally carried me over the chasm between my sinful life and His awesome way for me (go back to what I said in my previous posts), I realized that what I did most want and love was Christ! My heart was with Him! I gave it to Him as a little girl and I would never be happy on another road, trying to serve something I did not fully want or believe in! It was chaos when I tried...it makes me sick! If you are on two paths...trying to serve God and yourself...or anything else, I can tell you right now, it won't work! I know I was told that too and I still had to always try! That is why when I was almost killed, I realized the mess I had made and that the only plan for me was God's plan! Thus my new slogan being "no more plan B" (thanks to a dear brother in the Lord who told me that one day not very long ago.)

The final passage I am going to write a little about today is Matthew 6:34 (all the verses leading up to it reinforce it as well so read them please). =o)

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

Don't we always tell each other not to worry? "Be anxious for nothing..." (Phill. 4:6) is what I grew up saying. Ha, ha...as if I don't worry! This is a huge struggle for me! I worry about how I will have money to eat or pay bills! I worry about my kids: Are they safe? Will the bad choices I have made in my life affect them? And on and on.... And you would think I had learned my lesson by now! I have been taking one day at a time. I haven't had a job and yet I have had food, bills paid, an awesome home to stay in, a car. WOW! All these things I was worrying about, God gives me them. I just have to take a deep breath and let it out and say, "God-YOU are in control!" Guess what?! I have been praying for God's timing for a job! I went to an interview yesterday and needless to say, several hours later I was working! It is hard work and I get to start at the bottom of the totem poll. But what an awesome testimony in my life! Isn't that what God says He wants us to do? Jesus himself humbled himself to death on the cross, making himself lower than anyone. Remember He washed the disciples feet? I am happy He has given me this job and even though I never know what tomorrow holds, I am content that TODAY I am exactly where He wants me! Halleluiah!!!! =o) Have a blessed day today!

Modified memory verse

2007-06-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

OK, no I am not changing scripture. I am however changing slightly what I am memorizing this week...which I will continue next week and also review all my past month's memorie verses. Here is what I am memorizing:

Ephesians 2:4-9

But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) And hath raised [us] up together, and made [us] sit together in heavenly [places] in Christ Jesus: That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in [his] kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: [it is] the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.

When you feel tired

2007-06-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

You want to know one of the greatest things I experienced today? Well, even if you don't...I am going to share it with you in hopes that you can have this too!!!! =o)

OK, I worked a fairly hard day today and was mostly out in the sun and by 6pm I was tired, my feet, legs and back hurt, I was dizzy (still have a slight concussion), and I was TIRED! I was sleepy tired before I even began work. I drank a large cup of coffee and deliberately ate super healthy with whole grain toast and a boiled egg for breakfast! I wanted to have energy!!! LOL!
Well, you know when I felt the most energy and the most happy and content? Ha, ha...you wish...you have to let me finish the story before I tell you the answer! LOL!

Anyway, so after work, I decided to go by and visit my mom (my dad was out this afternoon). She is a fairly peaceful and relaxed person-that is sure to help, huh? =o) As I was about to leave, she suggested, "We should pray together sometime." I said, "OK. Lets!" So we sat back down and she prayed first-not asking God for all sorts of things, but thanking Him and remembering loved ones. Then I prayed and as I thought through my immediate family and their individual situations, I felt so much love! Love like God has! I felt so overwhelmed with emotion! Not that I cried, because, even though I felt it and wouldn't have cared had I cried in front of my mom (done lots of that lately-all good though), I felt so much happiness and joy! WOW! Words cannot express what I felt! I truly LOVE each and every member of my family SO MUCH! You know, praising God for them and asking God's blessings on them gave me so much renewed strength! Praying with my mom was another joy for me! I don't pray in front of people out loud very often...it used to be because I was worried about what others would think when I prayed, but now it is because I pray as I am led (which is basically all day long). The Bible says in Luke 18:1 that "men ought always to pray, and not to faint." I talk to God so much lately in fact, that I am positive people think i am absolutely insane! LOL! They think I am talking to myself...which couldn't be farthest from the truth! OK, ok, I pray mostly quietly, not out loud, except in my car.
Here is another passage for your consideration: Matthew 18:19, 20 "Again I say unto you, that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." I like it because it gives a clear message that praying together with someone CAN BE effective in so many ways! I love that verse-it's beautiful. Think about this...
Do you want more energy, peace, passion in life??? Think about it!

1 Thessalonians 5:17

My memory verse this week

2007-06-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

Please read Ephesians 2 before you start memorizing this (if you have chosen to do these with me). You know, when I pick a verse (or two) to momorize, it is usually something God has brought my attention to in my Bible when I open it. It usually is something I underlined or highlighted when I was younger (I have had this Bible for a very long time!). Most of the time, however, I never even grasped the full meaning of it. Now, having gone through the things I have, I read a verse and think, "Ah HA!!!!" Pretty much every time it is a verse that has total application to me or something I am going through. Shouldn't that always be how it is? =o)

OK, OK, enough gabbing...here it is:

Ephesians 2:1-5 (I know, I know...memorize whatever verse or so that you can...but I want to have it all!)

And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins; Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;)

Failure

2007-06-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, I like illustrations and because I love music, why not use lyrics from a published song when i can not possibly put into words what I feel most times. Even though I enjoy writing, it is not easy for me! =o) I don't have the song on my playlist to the right this time but I know there are places on the internet you can listen to it at. It is another one by Brian Littrell (former member of the Backstreet boys...isn't that awesome that his music is for the Lord now???).

OVER MY HEAD (chorus only)

I'm in over my head
Right where I wanna be
I'm so lost within Your love
The love that always covers me
So high, so deep, so wide
A strong and cleansing tide
My soul has found a place to rest
I'm in over my head

Do you ever feel like you are "over your head?" Ha ha, I do ALL the time! This past year I knew I was way in over my head in sin and dangerous situations that I kept allowing myself to be in. Just like I wrote the other day in my blog on "the right road", it is even too difficult for us sometimes to get back on that right path. But you know one of the coolest things I am learning? God wants us to realize we are in "over our head!" Over our head in love with Him, sure. But also, when we know we are in over our head, in my mind, I picture us and human beings who have no idea about all the things that are against us! Satan is at work and if we were to ever think that we were strong enough to defeat him, we would be a joke! WE can not defeat him...but CHRIST IN US CAN! God wants us to realize we are in "over our head" so that we may lean on Him to get us through. HE carries us, He sets us free, He saves, He comforts, He loves, He forgives...and on and on I could go. I only can say this because I have been so in over my head and I know that as far as being reminded of my failures, I am always way over my head in shame and guilt and pain and hurt. But you know what? The Bible says in Psalm 46:10, "Be STILL, and know that I am God...." Recently, my Bible study group talked about "being still." Apparently, if you translate that, it actually means "being discouraged and frusterated." WOW! Be discouraged and frusterated and know that HE is GOD! He is bigger than ANYTHING!

Failing is a really hard thing for me. Growing up as a Missionary Kid, it was one of my biggest fears because I wanted to fit that "little miss perfect" label I felt was associated with my position. But how far from it I truly was. I felt the higher I was put on a pedestal, even by my dorm parents when I lived a year in a boarding school, the farther I had to fall when I failed. It was pretty tough...I was always failing...a big giant F! Honestly, I don't know how I got through constantly feeling that way. It did manifest itself in different ways though. There were times when I disobeyed just because I figured I was so bad already that what is another little sin going to hurt? There was also a time in my life where I began on the road of a disorder known as bulemia. It was my secret and especially when I felt the pressure of people wanting me to be someone I was not, I went into the bathroom and would make myself throw up. It was a way to rebel without anyone knowing it. Because I only could fail, even if I did some good here or there, I always knew I couldn't make up for it.

You know, as I write, it brings to mind something that was perhaps a bi-product of my thinking and failing. I have been told I am a very negative person. I apparently didn't used to speak good of people but rather point out their flaws, which made me very negative indeed to someone listening. Of course really, I thought they were better than me in oh-so-many areas, but I would think aloud about their flaws to help myself not feel so flawed. Does that make sense? Recently, I was around someone who I very much felt was "worse off" than me as far as sins go. Of course, we know that all sins are equal in the sight of God so don't start comparing here, okay? I enjoyed the comfort around this person of knowing that even as bad as I was, they were worse! Wow...isn't that horrid? YES! Instead of seeing my failures and giving them to God, I was basking in them and holding onto them! And...I still need so much prayer with this area of being negative!

I struggled the most over the past year with forgiveness. I made so many bad choices that affected so many people. The hurt around me as well as in me has been so very painful from the things I did. I know the One who hurt the most was the Lord. His tears of sadness were so many, I know! Even with all the failing in my life, I had never truly accepted His complete and total forgiveness. I knew He gave it and was big enough, but I believe I was just self-centered enough to feel like I deserved it (don't we all?) and that I could not forgive myself. 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness." Let me tell you, if you think you have the right to hold on to your sins then you are probably a very selfish person. I certainly was! It is being given a gift and taking it, only not using it. I was saved when I was a child. I knew God washed away my sins and I did confess every time I would sin. But why did I still hold on and remember those things? God doesn't!

If you are struggling...feeling like you are a failure or afraid of failing, please go read Psalm 103 in your Bible. My favorite verse from this chapter is 12. "As far as the east if from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions (sins, failures) from us." (Parenthesis are mine to help you put into context.) WOW! Do you know how far the east is from the west?! So why do we hold onto our failures?

I did finally come to the point just about a month ago now, when I finally gave up my will to the Lord, that He opened my eyes and instead of seeing myself as a dark, dirty failure, I saw white, purity, freedom...in Christ. HE did that! I can't even describe it! Isaiah 1:18 says that "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." The church I used to attend sang a song that went, "White as snow, white as snow, though my sins were as scarlet, Lord I know, Lord I know, that I'm free and forgiven...through the wonder of Your love...I know that I can be, white as snow." Hope I got that right, but anyway you get the idea. I used to sing these songs and others and never really FELT white as snow. I still felt tainted and like I was going to fail again. Well, yes, I am going to sin and fail even though I don't want to! But now I know that when I do, I will confess it and Jesus' blood will wash me white as snow.

I'm in over my head...I'm right where I wanna be...I'm lost in this world without you, Lord, so please, please cover me. God wants us to be "still" (discouraged and frusterated) so that we may know HE is God! Give Him the glory! Amen! =o)

In Christ Alone-giving HIM glory

2007-06-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

If you have the time, you can find this song and listen to it on the right hand side...it is the one by Brian Littrell, although the other one is wonderful too. But the lyrics to this song really hit home right now where I am. I may not have had a lot of "battles won" or "trophies" yet =o) but I am constantly reminded of how humble and lowly my humanity is and that any little step towards the Lord is fully to the credit of the Lord. I may not necessarily be on a spiritual "high" but one thing is for sure...I am sooo in love with the Lord right now. Every thought is surrounded by Him and I have never had that happen to me as much as I wanted it. HE is EVERYTHING! Today, I challenge you to remember God especially every time you use the word "I" and think of who is really getting the glory in your day! =o) Enjoy and have a wonderful and blessed day!

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

Chorus:
In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

Chorus:
In Christ aloneI place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope

Choosing the right road

2007-06-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 11:24, 25 (KJV)
By faith Moses, when he was come to years, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter; Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season.
Oh that I were like Moses and had chosen the “right” way at the beginning and didn't choose the pleasures of sin for oh-so-short of a season. However, I once made a decision without that “peace” from God that I talked about in my blog “Peace with God” and it was a choice that was my own and the evidence of that was that this decision took me out from under any protection from God. I burned my safety net and had no where to fall. Essentially, I created a cavern so deep between the wrong path I started down and the right path where God and His wisdom (evident through other believers).

Proverbs 11:14 states that “Where no counsel is, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” Wow...it is cool because I thought of the “safety net” analogy before I looked up that verse and look at what it talks about: we FALL without counsel, but with it we have SAFETY!!! How cool is that?! God opened my eyes to that truth long after I had been told by many to heed their godly counsel (even though, sadly, I did not). I know it now and also can't reiterate this enough; that it is SO important to have godly people and friends in your life! People who consistently take you to the Word so that you can see what GOD has to say...not their opinion! I often have had believers tell me how they don't really need Church for one reason or another. Uh, can you look at my life and please learn from what I “thought” because I once believed that going to Church was just for connecting with other believers and that it wasn't really necessary for a Christian? Hello?! Not only should going to Church be a discipline but God intended for us to support and help each other! I love the song “If We Are The Body” by Casting Crowns (see my playlist) because it reiterates how we, as believers in Christ, should be caring for each other...the lost yes, but we need to be there to love, support, encourage, and pray for one another. Now, even though I took myself out and away from my safety net, I had a family who stood from a distance and prayed for me. They didn't support me in the sin that I was committing, but they loved me enough to give me to the Lord! How truly awesome! God, I am truly speechless at the love YOU have poured into those around me who have been overflowing with YOUR mercy and kindness!

OK, now back to the “roads”. At the point in which a believer strays from the tiny and narrow road (for it is easy to be deceived and take one of the many obvious forks in the road that tempt us with a much easier ride in life), it is now MUCH MORE DIFFICULT to return to that small and narrow and RIGHT path we were once on! The reason??? Well, for one, Satan makes that cavern between them so scary and full of pain! We fall and get hurt and we feel so alone. Did you ever think about how misery loves company? Baggage loves other baggage? It is so much easier to nurse our wounds with other wounded people around us, especially those who tell us it is ok and help us continue on our bumpy path.

If you recall how I was talking about storms and chaos in a previous blog on peace, you will remember that without God, we will not have peace. Yes, it is easier than admitting we were wrong and easier than facing those we have hurt, or even worse, the very real and devastating consequences (and possible guilt) of those mistakes we have made! NOTHING about getting back on the right path is easy and that is why many writers have referred to it as “the road less traveled.” It is...sadly!

You know, the easy and sinful road is only for a season. Both ways lead to eternity, but the easy one leads to, at the very least, sorrow, turmoil, and unhappiness. We can't be content even though we may feel like we are coasting along in our nice rides and big flat-screen tvs, bopping our heads and looking so cool in the latest fashions and hair-dos! How temporary and insignificant! My Church sings a song frequently which is a nice reminder to me these days after having finally crossed over that cavern of despair and pain (and lived because of God's amazing grace). Sung by various artists, the chorus says:
Better is one day in Your courts

Better is one day in Your house

Better is one day in Your courts

Than thousands elsewhere
SO TRUE!!! Why would we want temporary things that eventually lead to death or if we are a Christian, to turmoil and sadness and loneliness (cuz let me tell ya-God WON'T just stand by and let you soil His name so don't think you can get away with it)? And even if we could have our “stuff” forever, why would we want that without the joy of our loving God?

I thought I was destined to be on that ruined road. It was easier for awhile but then I just kept falling and tripping and trying to find my way through the darkness and fog. When God finally picked me up and carried me across that dangerous cavern filled with death and pain so great that I just could not strive any longer, I was able to see the light from the Son and to have hope in Christ that even though I had to face the reality-the hurt and devastation of the selfish choices I had made (for I was fully to blame), God would continue to hold my hand. To me, God has promised to carry me through those times in my life when pain is just too overwhelming. He lets me feels it though, because life on the right road isn't easy. It is tough and it is trying so that we might be alive and grow in Him! If it was just easy, how would we ever grow? We wouldn't! Surely you don't want to slide off into one of these forks-in-the-road just so you can grow! OUCH! I may up to this point have learned lessons the hard way, but I believe that if you are on the right road and don't get off, it is much easier to continue on. My memory verse last week (and I'll try not to look it up...lol...remember I am but a frail and broken vessel) was John 8:31b and 32. “If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed, and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
I encourage you, dear brothers and sisters in Christ, CONTINUE (abide or persist) in the Lord and He will set you free!

Peace with God

2007-06-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks, I have been priviledged to be going through a book entitled "21 Ways To Finding Peace and Happiness" (previously published as In Pursuit of Peace) by Joyce Meyer with a great friend/mentor. There are so many nuggets of truth already that have been revealed to me and the chaotic life I once lived. I want to quote several paragraphs from the second chapter of her book because I have found them so true in my own life! It is talking about Jonah and his heart. He always ran because he found it easier to do what He wanted and not what was the right thing to do.

"Carnality and God do not mix well together. We are called to walk in the Spirit, to be guided and willingly controlled by the Holy Spirit, who will lead us to make choices that make and maintain perfect peace.

We read in the book of Jonah how God told him to go to Nineveh and preach repentance to the people there But Jonah did not want to, so he went to Tarshish, which, according to geaography, is the exact opposite direction from Nineveh. Running from God does not help us be at peace with Him."

Do you remember what happens after Jonah boards the ship for Tarshish? A great storm arose and until he surrendered his life to it, there would be no peace. I love the analogy of a storm because when we have disobeyed the Lord even in one area, He is not going to allow us to have peace in any part of our life! He is going to disrupt our carefully planned-out living and allow us to live in our own chaos. Let me tell you, speaking from the chaos I have been living in over the past 11 months, it is not fun and it is tiring. And when I would think I could climb my way out of my dark pit and find that glorious hope, there was only more dark clouds and rain. I couldn't make peace no matter how hard I tried.

Only when I finally "jumped ship" and relinquished my every breathe and heartbeat to my God, did He allow me to LIVE! Wow! And FINALLY...God has given me a peace that passes understanding. (Phillipians 4:7-9)

Have you ever done a study on peace in the Bible? There are SO many passages on peace...you think we could get the point already? LOL! I am 27 years young and have NEVER had peace in my life until now! How sad! I remember how I used to pray during tough decision-making times that God would give me peace one way or another so I would be enlightened as to His direction in my life. Why do you suppose I never felt it? If you haven't ever given God the chance to RULE completely in your life...to take every dark and cob-webbed corner and sweep it out...how will you ever experience peace? It seems so easy for me to say, but honestly, I know as well as anyone, that this is a process that we have to let God work through our lives. And the reason is simple...WE can not accomplish anything in our own lives! Psalm 34:14 says to seek peace and pursue it. However, I believe this comes AFTER God has already given us peace. The first part of that verse says " Depart from evil and do good..." therefore, we would have already relinquished our sinfulness to the Lord.

Anyway, I could keep going on and on, but I just wanted to encourage anyone who does read this, that there is true peace and happiness in the Lord with no strings attached. If you live solely in HIM, with no "plan B" as was pointed out to me weeks ago by a dear brother in the Lord, He will give you peace and give you the desires of your heart. Aha...another thing to talk about...but another day since I am beginning to be long-winded. LOL!

For more reading:
Ephesians 3:16, 19
Jeremiah 29:11
John 8:31, 32
Deauteronomy 28:15-33 (what happens if we follow our own ways...the opposite of peace)

Weekly (or more) Memory Verse : )

2007-06-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

Here is my memory verse(s) for this week! I invite you to memorize it with me or ask me if I can say it when you see me throughout the week! My memory needs sharpening all the time! =o)

Hebrews 13:5, 6 (KJV)

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

I encourage you to read the whole chapter...or better yet...ALL of Hebrews! It is a book that is close to my heart!

My Savior My God (sang by Aaron Shust)

2007-06-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share this song with you that you will find on my playlist. As is the case with many of the songs there, it has brought me to my knees and really hit me where I was at a few weeks ago and especially during the adoption of Nathaniel. May it bless you as it has me!

I am not skilled to understand

What God has willed, what God has planned

I only know at His right hand

Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed

Christ died to save me; this I read

And in my heart I find a need

Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high

And come for sinful man to die

You count it strange, so once did I

Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives

My Savior's always there for me

My God: He was, my God; He is

My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring

My strength, my solace from this spring;

That He who lives to be my King

Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high

And come for sinful man to die

You count it strange, so once did I

Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, My Savior lives

my family

2007-06-10T16:07:00.000-07:00

My "family" is a relative term I suppose these days. I have lots of family including my parents, siblings, extended family, my Church family, my own children, those around me who have influenced me and most of all, God...my heavenly Father and best friend!

My whole family...everyone...has been been such a blessing to me throughout my life and certainly in the past year while I have been going through some major life-changing seasons of life. I value every single one of you and the endless prayers you prayed on my behalf. God has heard and has answered and I am forever grateful! Because of you, I am alive in Christ! Thank you!

Now, if you notice the slideshow on my blog, you will have the opportunity to see my precious children! Elliot, Natalie, and Nathaniel! With adopting Nathaniel out (born on April 17th, 07), I also extended my family! I LOVE John and Trina and they are wonderful parents to Nathaniel! I am blessed to know and share this baby with such a God-fearing and awesome couple!

You may look at my life and think it is a little odd...yes...the set-up is a little unique. I am so grateful to the Lord for His mercy and grace that I can even have a family still...even if it seems a little broken to you, and I will be the first to tell you that there are grave consequences for sin in our lives. Indeed, God will still work all things together for the good to those who love Him! (Romans 8:28) God is my EVERYTHING-the best family, friend, boss, and anything I could ask or imagine! Come with me and follow my Lord on this journey we call life and find out what it is all about!